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RSA Conference is fertile ground for buzzwords. Remember “Big Data” or “threat intelligence” from years past? Well, this year things are getting a little weirder. Here are some buzzwords that were tossed around at RSA, with my thoughts on their real meanings.

Artificial Intelligence: Tastes almost as good as the real thing and costs twenty times more!

Behavior Analytics: WHY are you doing that? Why ARE you doing that? Why are YOU doing that? Why are you doing THAT?  Stop doing that.

Blockchain: Finally, a single word that anybody can use to instantly make their products sound innovative. “Savor the down-home creamy blockchain goodness.”

Chaos Engineering: Pushing people into a comfort response through the use of fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Also explains how Justice League was produced.

CI/CD (Continuous Integration / Continuous Deliver): You are never going home.

COE (Cause of Error):  No, you’re an indicator of compromise.  Man, I am so high right now.

Cryptocurrency: A cloud-native Ponzi scheme.

Cyber: We have the best cyber. Finest cyber there is. Top-quality cyber selected from my personal stock of 400-pound cybers. You put this cyber in your inter-tubes, and you will be very very very secure.

Data-Driven: BORING, let’s go eat frosting!

Deceptions: The creepy panel van of the cloud.

DevOps: Frickin’ unicorns.

DevSecOps: Frickin’ unicorns pooping cupcakes.

Eyes on Glass: The word “waterboarding” was already used.

Failure: the greatest teacher; sea cow boob milk, you will drink.

GDPR: That’s no moon.

Huawei: Byewei, get the ZTE fark out, sad.

Human Firewall: about as effective as the non-human ones.

Humans: the cause of and solution to all of the Internet’s problems. Oh wait, that’s alcohol. No humans are smelly meat bags that irrationally fear the unknown. They are easily mislead with outrage, cat pics, and little thumbs up icons. Oh, look a kitty!?

Machine learning: The machines are learning, alright. Learning we need to go.

Mechanistically: Make the cloud do it.

MSSP (Managed Something Something Punt): Outsourcing blame.

Next Generation: Last generation.

NotPetya: pee pee tape?

Orchestration: Tying together all your disparate pieces of technology together so they can do nothing more effectively.

Privacy: A magical sky fairy that European people are convinced exists, whereas here in the USA we have faith in real things like ghosts, angels, and there will be another good season of the Walking Dead.

Progress: the opposite of Congress and the inverse of Symantec.

Quantum Computing: Still can’t run Java.

Secret Double Octopus: I have no idea what this company does, but with a name like that, who cares? Shut up and take my money.

Security Automation: Making technology do the work for you, so you have more free time to write SOC 2 compliance policies…wait, how is this a good thing?

Signals: Voices your head.

SOC: A dark, windowless room with large monitors where authoritative people stand around and say things like “folks, this is the big one. The one we trained our whole lives for.” It is easily defeated with a squirrel.

Thought Leader: Often guilty of thought crimes.

Threat Hunting: Looking for trouble in all the wrong places, looking for trouble in too many faces.

Threat Intelligence: Yes, it is a threat to your intelligence.

WannaCry: Ransomware that was engineered for sales presentations.

Women: It only took 25 years for RSA to notice 50% of the human population.

Zero Trust Model: The one porn star you cannot payoff to remain quiet.